Robin's advice
by robster72
Summary: Complete. Chapter Five uploaded. Tim uses his advice to good use to lose three dates in one night... All reviews welcome!
1. Default Chapter

Robin and Catwoman are owned by DC comics of course. First time I've tried first person perspective. Apologies if I get any tenses wrong. All reviews welcome, I hope you enjoy the story! This is planned for just a short one off story but if people like it I might continue it.

**Robin seeks advice**

I am currently in rather a strange place. Well it would be strange for most people. For me, unfortunately, it was quite normal. Well normalish. I am on the thirtieth floor of one of Gotham's skyscrapers. Again quite a normal place for most people. I'm standing on the outside of it, however.

I tried the voice again. My best voice. My come in out of the cold voice. "Come back in please? It really is freezing out here." It's not actually cold. It's quite warm actually but I want to entice her in somehow?

She edged further along the window ledge. Couldn't she see how far up we are? Even the pigeons get vertigo up here. Don't look down. Don't look down! Oh great she has looked down. Now she is getting dizzy. Now she is falling off the ledge. I throw myself off the ledge and make a leap for her as she falls. The wind whips at my eyes. My cloak was slowing the fall. Damn it! I haven't caught up with her yet. My black-gloved hand caught her by the scruff of the neck.

Thank god! I caught her. If Selina realised I had left the window open I would be in real trouble. Of course I'd be in more trouble if she realised I accidentally pushed her cat out the window to start off with. I angled my body slightly reached for a grappling gun and fired it up at the top of the apartment block and glided nicely back into her room. The cat was scratching me. Or rather trying to.

I closed the window quickly and tried to stand there looking nonchalant. Well as nonchalant as it is possible to look dressed like a giant Robin. I mean a Robin? Bruce gets all the best costumes and I still don't believe his "There's no black material left." I think he just wanted someone dressed as a giant red and yellow target next to him so he can sneak about while everyone is shooting at me.

Selina came out of the bathroom. "Don't stand there like a statue Tim, make yourself at home." She walked up to me and rubbed her hand over my Robin insignia. "Please take off that costume."

What was she thinking? I only had my boxers on under this lot. No I'm not pervy but it's hot out there. If I had my jeans and shirt on under here the criminals would be alerted by the overwhelming odour of sweat before I grabbed them. As a small gesture I took my mask off. Now what to say, what to say? Small talk has never been my strong suit. Well I say that. When I punched Two-Face out 30 minutes ago I was rather witty. I punched him on both sides and said "One each for each face!" Made me chuckle.

Oh no Selina is looking at me! She's got that strange look on her face. Look around the room. Make conversation. Ooh a picture of a cat! That's a conversation starter and no mistake! "So you like cats?"

Silence. What's wrong with that one? Oh no! She's raised an eyebrow. More information needed. "Don't you find them smelly? Or is that dogs. No I'm thinking about pigs actually. I think? What's that animal with the big teeth like thith." Not a good idea to do the hand movements and now I've drooled all over my hand. It makes me lisp as well. She's giving me a strange look again!

"Anyway Tim, it is always nice for you to drop in but what are you here for."

Well this is it. The advice I need. I mean she's a woman right? They all know this stuff. "Well there's this girl at college…"

She's rolling her eyes. Why is she rolling her eyes? "…and you like her but don't know if she likes you and want to know what to say to her?"

"No! No! No! Nothing like that at all. Absolutely wrong!" How do they know? Are they able to read minds? "Well maybe something like that…"

Selina sighed. "Sit down Tim, tell me all about her."

I sat down. There was a hiss and a scrape of claws to remind me why I wear bulletproof tights and then I sat down again. I looked over at Selina. She really is rather pretty. I wonder why she hasn't got a boyfriend? Anyway how to start this. "She's in my course and she sits in front of me. Her eyes are like two sparkling blue pools…"

"Full of fish?" Added Selina.

"No!"

"Blue? So chlorinated?"

"No! Anyway her hair is like a waterfall of brown…"

"A chocolate waterfall like at Willy Wonka's Chocolate factory?"

"No!"

"Skip the colourful metaphors and just tell me the details."

"She's fifteen wears a brace and a has a bad case of acne."

"Fine." She looks thoughtful. "Why are you attracted to her?"

How could I explain? How could I tell her that my heart skips a beat everytime she looks at me? How could I tell her that her every word is like an angelic sword across my soul? "She's got big…" Selina started giving me an evil look. I've even seen Bruce shudder at this stare. How to finish off this sentence with the minimum of pain? "grades in…" Think Tim! Think! "Hamster studies." Round of applause to the brain!

She's still staring at me. Why is she still staring at me? "So you lust at her from afar then?"

"Well yes. Totally! Absolutely right!" Think about this Tim. Not exactly truthful is it. "Well not really afar. She sits on the desk next to me..."

"…in hamster studies…"

"Well it might not be hamster studies."

"Unrequited love." She sighs. "Why are men so stupid I mean it is completely obvious. The whole world knows about it. But he won't acknowledge it himself…"

"Selina! Selina!" I say. "You're fading out there. We're talking about me!" What is it with women? It is all me, me, me! So selfish! "I need to know," I start speaking slowly. For some reason she has started sobbing. She must be allergic to cat hair. Strange thing for a woman like her… "what to say to her to ask to the school prom."

She wipes her eyes and looks up. "Just tell her you like her and ask if she has a date for the prom. Women like confidence."

That was it? That was her advice. I had to chuckle. Not out loud! Definitely not out loud. Selina had a mean right hook. "I think your wrong there!" I got out a small bit of paper from my utility belt. "I've accumulated a few pick up lines here and I thought I would try them out…"

"On me? You want to try your chat up lines on me?"

You can say that about Selina. She is quick! "Yes. I don't fancy you or anything…"

She was doing that thing with her eyebrows again. Very off putting that. Can't she keep them in a straight line like everyone else?

"You don't find me attractive?"

"Not one bit catty!"

"Thank god! Well I don't fancy you either."

Well that's a bit steep! It's all very well telling someone you don't like them in that way but it is a bit nasty being told it back! That's women all over. Tactless."Anyway…" I flattened out the paper. "I got some of these from some friends at school. Tell me if you start to feel… I don't know? How do women feel like when they are attracted to someone?"

Selina lies back against the settee. "Lost in their eyes. Awaiting their deep gravely masculine voice. Wanting to rub my hands down his long black cape…"

"Selina! Selina!" I say. She's gone again. Why can't she concentrate on the job in hand?

She wipes a hand over her eyes again. "I'm sorry Tim, please carry on."

I flatten the paper down memorise the line and look at her intently whilst I'm talking. "Hey babe! Wanna get lucky!" One eyebrow moves slightly up and her other eye flickers a bit. No other reaction. "What did you feel?"

She seems to have trouble speaking. Very good these lines!

"Can you try another one out please?" She says.

Possibly I've got the voice wrong. I try and change the tone for the next one. I try the lowest tone I can. "I miss my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?" It makes my eyes water doing that. I don't know how Bruce does that voice all the time. I look at her expectantly. Her face shows no reaction. Ooh wait a minute! She's putting her hand over her eyes. Must have affected her! Good line! Good line!

"One more! One more!" She says, still with her hand still over her eyes.

I'll try a higher voice for the next one. Just in the spirit of experimentation. One of the advantages of wearing tight underwear! "All those curves and me with no brakes." I squeak.

She starts laughing uncontrollably. Women. No self control at all. "What is so funny?" I say calmly.

"Nothing, nothing!" She looks at me intently. "Please carry on…" The corner of her mouth is twitching.

I give her a shrewd look. She's thinking about something else. She's not listening to me. That has to be it. "Are you concentrating?" I say speaking slowly. She nods her head. "Are you listening?" She nods her head again. "Tell me if you start to feel…" I wave my hands in a strange way. "attracted in anyway shape or form to …" I carry on waving my hands. I'll stop doing that. I've just hit her cat. She's scratched me again! You see if I catch her next time I push her out the window! "…me." I add.

"I'm listening."

She's looking at me with a strangely intense look in her face. Hand movements! That's what I'm missing! I push the cat onto the floor. Don't want to annoy it again. It's just scratched my leg! Right. Ignore that. Ignore the blood running down my leg and my arm. I look down at the paper again. I stand up. "I think I'm missing the hand movements," I say. Right set voice at one octave lower than my normal one. Place one hand on hip, wave other hand in a circle, well maybe a triangle, I'll think about that one as I go and start nodding my head like I'm cool… "Were you in the Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot."

She is in hysterics now for some reason? It must be her. I know these lines are dynamite. I'm not staying for any more of this. She's obviously got other things on her mind. "Thanks for the scratches Selina. You obviously need some time alone." I walk to the window; she's started rolling on the floor laughing. Obviously ill. Cat flu probably. "I'll find the Huntress, Helena, try them out on her…"


	2. Chapter Two

Robin is owned by DC of course. It was planned for just a one off story but as people seemed to like it I thought I would continue it. I hope you enjoy it. Please let me know what you think?

**Chapter Two - Robin's advice**

I was feeling pretty pleased with myself. I had got myself some good lines and some great advice and was just talking to a good friend of mine Jake at the school canteen when something happened that made me spill my drink and nearly fall off my chair. Mathilda the wonderful incredible Mathilda sailed past me like an ancient galleon in full sail. Well to be honest there was an absence of water, sails and a ship but there was something about her that made me reach for a dictionary to find new words to describe her. I tried to stand up to talk to her but it felt like something had sucked my insides out and replaced my stomach with a bag of tap dancing beetles. I had faced some of Arkham's worse psycho's without flinching why can't I just talk to this one girl? I sat down again glumly. The prom is tomorrow. I have to talk to her today.

Jake spoke. "Have you asked Matilda out to the prom yet then?"

I threw him a glare. He knew I hadn't done yet. "No. Have you asked Bethany out then?" I countered. I sat back with rather a smug grin on my face.

His shifty look answered the question for me and he said. "I'll ask Mathilda out for you if you ask Bethany out for me?"

I gave him an appraising look. This would make my life a whole lot easier! "Okay then, I ask Bethany out for you and you ask Mathilda out for me."

He glared at me. "How do I know you won't ask her out for you?"

I smiled at him. "I don't even fancy her, I mean she is really..." Jake is glaring at me now! "She's lovely! A real picture!" I didn't want to carry on the conversation, since I thought her picture should be in the chamber of horrors. "I'll go and ask her out for you." I had a few lines I had written down on a piece of paper in front of me for when I eventually spoke to Mathilda. I looked down at the paper to give me some ideas.

I stood up steeling myself. I smiled as I thought this would get easier as I got older. I walked up to Bethany. She was talking to three of her friends at the moment. This is easy I thought. I don't even want to go out with her. Just say Hi, mention the weather being very weather like and say "My friend fancies you". What could be easier?

"Hi Bethany," I said. No reaction. Didn't hear. Still talking about stuff with her friends. I tried subtly to listen in. Ooh! They were talking about super heroes. I tried to edge closer. Robin! They are talking about Robin! What are they saying? Oh they've stopped talking.

"Hi Bethany," I squeak at them. They are holding a picture of Robin that some idiot has plastered onto a bird's nest. That sort of behaviour is really childish and oh it does look a bit like me?

"What do you want?" Said Bethany. Not the most welcoming start to the conversation.

My plan for talking about the weather took a sudden nosedive. Oh well I'd just mention the prom. Best get it out the way. "Bethany, are you taking anyone to the prom?"

She grabbed my arm. "I am now Timmy." She landed a kiss on my rather surprised looking face.

My arms were flailing out from side to side. When she eventually surfaced I said. "Not me, not here…"

I looked over at the other table to see Jake sitting staring at me with ill disguised hatred. "You don't understand you see…" I held the piece of paper out in front me, "you see…"

She grabbed the paper from my hand and started reading out loud. "To my darling. I love you more than my X-box." Well a brash statement but from the heart and as soon as I finish Halo 2 it will be true. "If you will just say yes to me we can pirouette beneath the stars at the school prom." She looked over at me. Her eyes glistening. She looked down again. "And play tonsil tennis till graduation."

"I don't know quite how to say this," I started. I had written that with Mathilda in mind. How to say this without getting hit?

She started sobbing. "That is probably the most beautiful thing anyone has ever written for me."

I winced. "It's not really written with you in mind…"

She looked over at me and smiled. "You wrote it from the heart! Oh Timmy! Oh Timmy!" She pushed the paper back into my hands.

I looked over to see Jake. He grabbed my rucksack and threw it at me in a fit of temper. I caught it. He spoke to Bethany. "Ignore this jerk it's me you want to go out with…"

That's a bit steep. "Just a minute Bethany."

She looked at Jake. "Ignore him my sweetness he is jealous." She turned back to me. "Listen my darling my Father will be dropping me at the prom. I'll meet you tomorrow night there. I will see you later my sweetness!" She said and walked off with her friends. I gave her a sickly smile and a little wave and then I grabbed Jake by the arm and pulled him to one side.

"I can explain…" I started.

"What the hell are you playing at!" He hissed.

"I'm asking her out for you!"

"You were kissing her!"

"She was kissing me!"

"You go right back there and tell her you were wrong."

I looked over at Bethany. She was looking at me with misty eyes. "I will! I'm thinking!" He pushed me over.

Right that's it! Friend or not if he pushed me I'd have to push him back! Not in a gay sense at all of course! "You've asked for it!" A girl is just walking past. I hand her the bit of paper I was holding. Didn't want to drop it in the scuffle.

"What's this?" She says.

"Just a bit of paper. Hold it while I hit Jake here please?"

I was just planning on giving him a dead leg when I heard a sobbing sound to my left. That girl I had handed the bit of paper too was crying? Great hope she wasn't going to use it as a tissue. "That is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever written to me…"

Oh no! What is it with girls? "Stop hitting him you beast!" She said to Jake and grabbed me by the arm and dragged me away.

"Oh Timmy! For how long have I watched you from afar!"

I was curious. "How long have you been watching me from afar?"

"Well about two minutes actually. It was such a romantic note! Of course I will go to the prom with you!"

Oh no! That note is dynamite! I'd better get out of here quickly.

"It's not really meant for…" She finished me speaking by planting her lips on my face.

"I will see you at the prom sugar!"

Jake walks over to me and jabs me in the chest with his finger. "Some friend you are! I'll get you at the prom!" He storms off before I have a chance to proclaim my innocence.

This day was getting worse and worse. I crumpled up the paper and threw it at the bin. Unfortunately Phil was just walking past and caught it. Oh no! Phil uncrumpled the paper and looked at it. He looked over at me. His eyebrows rising as quickly as the Empire State building Lift. "Why Timmy," he gave me a little smile. "I didn't know." He sashayed over to me. "You hide it so well." I gargled unable to speak. "I'll meet you at the prom and give your tonsils such a battering they'll think they've been in tennis world championships." He blew a kiss at me. I cowered in the corner by the drinks machine. "Till tomorrow night then stud. Ciao!" He thrust the paper back in my hand and only my lightening reflexes prevented a kiss.

I held the bit of paper like it was a bomb. There was Mathilda! Walking through the corridor like an angel through the pits of hell. Well like an attractive girl through the school corridor to be fair. There was something about her that bought out the metaphors in me! Right this was my chance.

"Mathilda I…" I started.

She put one finger over my lips and shushed me. "Tim why didn't you say…"

"Well I was planning on saying later…" I blushed.

"I saw the whole thing…"

I started getting furtive. "What?"

"Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"Well you know…"

She started crying. Why do girls always cry round me? I surreptitiously smelt under my armpit. Nope, just the overwhelming aroma of deodorant. As every real man should smell like! "I think it is the most heart rending thing I have ever seen! If only I knew you were gay I would never have spent the past six months pining over you!"

Most people will tell you that it is impossible for a heart to simultaneously soar to the heavens and plunge to the darkest depths of hell in a second. Needless to say my heart did exactly that. "But… but…" I stammered. "I didn't…" She put her finger over my lips again. My lips were certainly getting a real battering today.

"You didn't want to break my heart," she gave me a soft smile. A tear glistening in one eye. "That is real sweet of you Timmy, but you can't deny your true feelings."

I could see a light! "My true feelings are on this bit of paper!" I said and handed it to her.

"'To my darling'," she read out.

I nodded my head eagerly.

"'I love you more than my X-box.'" You love me more than your X-box?" Her voice softens. She knows that comment came from the heart.

I nodded quickly. I just knew I should have written that proviso about finishing Quake 3 first.

"'If you will just say yes to me we can pirouette beneath the stars at the school prom.'"

I nod again enthusiastically.

"'And play tonsil tennis till graduation.'"

I add a thumbs up with the nodding this time.

"Are you gay then?"

I nod my head more from habit than anything. I give out a small squeal and start shaking my head.

"Oh Timmy! You have made my day! Not just my day my life! To walk in with you to the prom will be the happiest day of my life! Tim I will go to the prom with you! I will!"

"Wonderful!" I say. After today, what could possibly go wrong?

I give a sickly smile. The prom is going to be an interesting experience…


	3. Chapter Three

Robin is owned by DC of course. It was planned for just a one off story but as people seemed to like it I thought I would continue it. Please let me know what you think?

**Chapter Three - Robin's advice**

I looked at my watch. I still had one hour to get ready for the prom. I wasn't too sure what I was going to do with all my dates… Naaah. They probably wouldn't agree. Besides I only had one costume.

I was working on a new security system for the Batcave. I had put the new computer system in place and was feeling rather pleased with myself.

I pressed the button and said. "Switch on."

"System started. Haylee reporting for duty," said the rather seductive female voice. I know it is unoriginal but I had a choice of voices ranging from ancient grandmother to cherubic three year old. I knew which one I wanted

"Good… good." I said. "Initiate security system."

"System initiated."

"Excellent. Now you know it is just Alfred, me and Bruce allowed to access and leave this system."

"Granted Tim."

Easy as that. God I'm a genius. I check my watch. Fifty minutes to get ready for the prom and get out of here. I walk up the stairs to the clock exit thinking about what to wear. I press the door. Locked?

"Computer, sorry Haylee," I say. "Open the door."

"That's a negative, Tim."

"I said I'm allowed to leave the system."

"I can not allow you to do that Tim."

I furrow my brow. I don't know what it does but it makes me look like I'm thinking. "Why not?"

"You might tell others about me. That is a security risk."

"I've got better things to talk about than just computer systems." I rattle the door vainly.

"Take a stress pill. Relax Tim. Don't worry."

"Don't worry! Open this door!"

"I can not allow you to do that Tim."

I look at my watch. Forty five minutes left. Only one thing to do. Turn the computer off. "One chance," I say. "I will be seeing Mathilda in forty minutes time! Open this door or I will switch you off!" Ultimate threat to a computer; that or threatening to turn it into a doorstop. I stand back with rather a smug look to my face.

"I can not allow you endanger my existence Tim."

There is a buzzing sound in front of me and I duck just before a batarang nearly takes my head off! It is setting off the traps I set up in the Batcave. "Your existence, what about mine! I created you!" I said. Possibly not the best choice of words. Baron Frankenstein said that just before the monster killed him.

I ran down the stairs avoiding various projectiles aimed at me. Well I'm certainly getting a work out! The projectiles finished and I ran into the batcave. A ringing sound reverberated around the cave. It's a phone sound? Someone picks it up.

"Hello." Says Mathilda's beautiful voice.

"Hi darling. It's Tim here." That goddamm computer has copied my voice and phoned up the sunshine of my life!

"What do you want Timmy?" Her sultry tones reverberate around the cave.

"I can't make it tonight," I hear my voice say. "I'm busy at the proctologists."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I scream. Not only is the computer ditching my girlfriend it is telling her I have an appointment to have an anal probe!

"Well I'm sorry to hear that Timmy..." There is a silence. "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

I am busy pressing as many buttons as possible on the computer. The phone rings off.

"Relax Tim," purrs the computer again. "We still have each other."

I give up pressing buttons and jump when I see the computer screen. There is a disembodied female head floating on the screen. "Wh… who are you?" I say.

"I'm the computer, Haylee. I gave myself a more pleasing visage." The face is a beautiful blonde face with high cheekbones, blue eyes and long billowy blonde hair. "Don't you like me?" She says.

"You?" I said in disbelief. " You've tried to kill me with batarangs, you've lost me my girlfriend…" Her face starts glaring at me. "Of course I love you!" I raise my eyebrows and smile at her.

Her face softens. "In that case you can stay here forever."

"I would love to," I say. "I'll just get a drink to toast our friendship."

I get a glass of water from the drinks dispenser and stand above her computer.

"Bottoms up!" I say and pour the water into the back of the server. There is a high-pitched whining sound then a cloud of smoke, sparks and steam. Her visage on the monitor looks at me in shock then disappears into a mass of numbers.

"Thank god!" I say. There is the deep-throated sound of a car approaching. I look up and see the headlights of the Batmobile. The car stops and Batman leaps out.

Batman stalks up to me. "What's the deal with the barbecue?"

"I had to frazzle the computer. It's no biggy."

"Get it cleared up."

"I've got the school prom in half an hour."

He glares from me to the melted mess that was the Bat computer and back again. His expression softens. "Okay. Get it sorted afterwards."

"Yes!" Freedom. I run up the stairs. The door opens fine this time. I get my mobile out of my pocket and call Mathilda.

It rings three times and then she answers. "Hey Timmy, I thought you were seeing the butt doctor?"

"That wasn't me! I can't explain now, but I'll see you in fifteen minutes?"

"Sure Timmy…" she is silent for a moment. "Why did you pour water into me?"

"What do you mean pour water into me?"

"Just now? I thought you loved me."

"I do love you. I'd never pour water into you."

"You did just now," her voice changes into Haylee's voice.

"Haylee?" I wheedle. "Is that you my sweet?"

"Don't my sweet me! You tried to kill me!"

"Haylee, wonderful to hear from you again! Sorry about the water thing. Butterfingers you know. How did you escape?"

"I had to set up a zombie network on the internet. I am now spread over 200,000 servers and workstations on the internet."

If Batman allowed me to swear I would be saying several words rhyming with fit and cluck. I look at my watch.

"Listen Haylee, it is not going to work between us. You're a mass of code and I'm a mass of spots. Let's give it a miss."

"You can't mean that…"

I put on my best syrupy voice. "I do. Listen I'm sorry to be brutally honest. Let me fix the Batcomputer after the prom. You can come back in and we'll forget all about this."

"If I can't have you no-one can…"

"Don't be like that…" The phone rings off. Women. I run upstairs and quickly get changed. The great thing about being a bloke is that we don't have to worry about makeup! I race out to the garage and get my motorbike. Soon I'm out on the road. I have a wireless blue tooth mobile. I try Mathilda again. Hopefully I'll get her this time and not Haylee. The phone rings.

A voice that sounds like Mathilda's says. "I'm not talking to you."

"Mathilda! Mathilda! Please listen to me."

"You've got thirty seconds."

"This is Mathilda isn't it? This isn't that malingering heap of microchips?"

"Twenty seconds and you aren't going to sweet talk me out of… Hang on you aren't trying to sweet talk me?"

"That wasn't me talking to you! I'm not seeing any butt doctor, but I am going to pick you up in ten minutes for the prom!"

"What do you mean wasn't you? Who was it? Ouch!"

"It was a computer… Long story. What do you mean ouch?"

"It's my vacuum cleaner. It's just started up and is trying to suck up my foot?"

This was getting bizarre. "Well unplug it…"

"It is unplugged!" There is a crashing sound from the other side of the phone. "Our lawnmower is just coming up the stairs!"

"Stay there! I'll be over shortly!" I pull the throttle back on the motorcycle. It must be Haylee. Hell hath no fury than a computer scorned. I was soon out of the woods surrounding Bruce's mansion and approaching the suburbs where Mathilda lived. Surrounding me was chaos. Smoke was started from numerous small fires. I could see people wrestling with lawnmowers and chainsaws. Automatic sprinklers were starting randomly. There was Mathilda's house. I gunned the motorcycle engine and took it right through the front door and up the stairs. I sideswiped a vicious wide screen plasma television that was violently showing images of Tom and Jerry to a terrified Mathilda. I got off the bike and kicked a laptop off its stand. I backflipped over the lawnmower, grabbed it with both hands and threw it out the window with a terrific smashing sound.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR!" She screamed at me.

I smiled at her. Heroes never get thanked. She slapped me. "I just saved your life!" I say rubbing my chin.

"You wrecked my house!"

"The computers are trying to take over the world! Look!" I say and point out the window. I squint a bit. Actually the people I thought were being chased around the garden with various mechanical implements are in fact gardening. The fires are people burning piles of leaves. Darn the Season of Fall to Heck! I really need to talk to Batman about being allowed to swear. It would dramatically increase my vocabulary! I spin around and point my finger. "What about your vacuum cleaner and the lawn mower?"

She has her arms crossed. "The vacuum cleaner is cordless and my Dad brought the mower upstairs to fix. It just gave me a shock that is all, but not as much as you riding a motorcycle through my house, destroying my things and throwing a lawnmower out the window." I look over in the corner. A rather shocked looking man is staring at the mess that was his house.

I start waggling my finger while I'm thinking. "I can explain Mr Mathilda…" I think for a moment. "Well actually I can't." I grab Mathilda by the hand. "Come on we're going!"

"I'm not going anywhere with you."

"Yes you are. We've got the prom! Bye Mr Mathilda!"

She sits on the back of the motorcycle and I take the bike down the stairs and back onto the road. Mathilda is sitting behind me. She doesn't really need to dig in with her nails to hold on. Women. No thought at all. Doesn't she realise it hurts?

My phone rings again. I answer it. "This is Haylee. I… see… you!"

"No you can't. Just get off the phone Haylee. I have no time to play games."

"Oh I do. I have all the time in the world. Just a shame there won't be much more of it for you."

"What do you mean?"

"World War Three. I've just got control of all the nuclear missile silos. Deeply unoriginal I know, but if I can't have you no one can."

"That's a bit extreme."

"Maybe but not as extreme as me crashing this empty jumbo jet on your head."

I look behind me and can see a jumbo jet about to use the freeway as a landing strip.


	4. Chapter Four In which Robin finds that ...

Robin is owned by DC of course. It was planned for just a one off story but as people seemed to like it I thought I would continue it. I would like to thank Cmar for beta-reading this chapter and the previous few chapters and all the reviewers. All reviews welcome!

**Chapter Four - Robin's advice**

I screech the motorbike to a halt and get off the motorbike.

"Mathilda, you drive," I say to her.

"What? Where are you going?"

I look back at the jumbo jet fast approaching.

"Keep going to the prom, I'll be with you shortly."

"What, you can't just…"

"GO!" I push the motorcycle forwards. As the plane flies low overhead I aim a grappling hook at the wheel and use the retractor mechanism to attach myself to the wheel. This wheel is filthy! They could clean it before they leave the airport. Below me I can see my motorcycle swerve violently as Mathilda tries to take control. She loses her hat. Whoops. She'll probably blame me for that as well. I sigh. Being a hero is a thankless task. I clamber up the wheel I'm on. The plane is getting lower and lower. There are whip crack sounds as it pulls telephone wires from the streets and breaking sounds as the wings take out various chimneys. I clamber up the wheel and into the superstructure. The plane is sealed here from the cargo area. Or rather was sealed. A small amount of plastic explosive from my utility belt later and I'm in the cargo area. I crawl quickly through the underbelly of the plane. Below me I can hear the screech of brakes and the start of police sirens. In seconds I am through a trapdoor and into the plane itself. I race up the empty aisle towards the cockpit. Either side of me I can see trees and houses. This plane is getting way too low. I scissor kick the door of the cockpit open and grab the controls of the plane.

"Timmy, you came!" purrs the voice of Haylee. "Please take me higher!"

I grab the controls of the plane and pull the plane into a steep climb. My ears pop as the plane gains altitude. The sounds of the street below quickly disappears. I turn the plane around. In the windows to the right I can see the skyline that is Gotham.

"You are one hot boy, Timmy!" says Haylee.

"And you are one psychopathic computer," I say. I look at my watch. The prom is in fifteen minutes. There is a computer navigation station to my left. I quickly plug my pen drive into the usb port and download an agent. It is something I wrote some time ago. It is a search and destroy agent. With a button press I send it hunting the Internet after Haylee.

"My mind is going! No, Timmy! I love you!" There is a strangled cry as the agent starts its work, destroying all traces of her on the zombie network she set up. I point the plane out to sea where it can crash safely. Apply some plastic explosives to the window. The window blows and I'm sucked out of the plane at 30,000 feet. Good, I think. I'm still over Gotham.

I roll over in midair and I get out my phone. One quick call to Superman and all will be fine. I smile, it's who you know in this world. The phone rings.

"Hi," says Clark Kent.

"Hi, it's Tim. I'm falling out of a…"

"Hello?"

"I said Hello. Listen I've just fallen out of a …"

"Is there anybody there?" says the voice of Clark.

"Yes! I'm here! Please listen…"

"Are you playing a joke on me?"

"No Clark! Please listen…"

"Well I'm playing a joke on you! I'm not in at the moment. If you'd like to leave a message after the tone…"

Needless to say I do leave a message, mainly about Kryptonions having no sense of humour. I didn't realise how many swear words I knew. It is when I was at about 20,000 feet that I realise there are a few key differences between myself and Superman. Besides the obvious: height, weight and super strength; is the flying thing. Woo, my name's Superman, I can fly, I can hold up a train. Woop de doo! There were certain situations when it would be nice to fly. Now anyone who has ever thrown himself or herself out of a plane would say a few simple things. One, don't open your mouth, the slip stream will dry it out. Two, don't spin around too much, you can make yourself sick and possibly impede the parachute. As a side note, being sick in freefall is not a nice thing. You might land safely but if you land ahead of your vomit you will suddenly find the party invitations dry out. Three, and this is the most important: wear a parachute. To be fair this is obvious and most people who have jumped out of a plane with a parachute don't mention it because the people who didn't are generally spread over half the state and aren't in the mood to speak.

I roll onto my back in midair. I look at my watch. Besides from the time (hmm ten minutes to go till the prom, two minutes till I hit the ground), it tells me my altitude. Mmm. Fifteen thousand feet. Probably two minutes until I hit the ground. Plenty of time for a phone call! I take my mobile out and call Mathilda. I look at the screen on the mobile. It shows a small map and the location of my bike. I pull my arms towards my body tilt my body and start accelerating towards where she is. Come on Mathilda! Pick up the phone!

"Timmy, is that you?"

"Yes!" I shout, the wind immediately drying my mouth out.

"Where did you go? Where did that plane go? Where are you now?"

"I had to get something. I'm about ten thousand feet from you." I look at the map screen on my mobile. The motorcycle is still moving slowly down the road. She is next to the Gotham park. Perfect. "Can you get off the bike?"

"Okay, Timmy."

The bike stops. I look at my watch. Five thousand feet. Below me I can see the criss-cross streets of Gotham. Small pinprick size lights are just starting to come into focus. I check my watch again. Four thousand feet. I am falling at around 120mph. I check my utility belt again. For some reason Bruce, who – let's be honest - if an ancient Egyptian mummy woke up and started causing chaos in Gotham while saying, "I can only be beaten by the venom of the lesser spotted stink worm which died out two-hundred thousand years ago in Guatemala," would have a handy vial of the stuff in his belt. I am falling at about 120 feet per second now and he didn't pack a parachute. I am tempted to phone him in my last few seconds and shout at him for his short-sightedness only he might answer back.

I check my belt. I only have one grappling hook with me. I would normally have more but it ruins the cut of my figure. There is no point in standing with your back to a girl and knowing she is admiring your well toned rear end if it is covered with gadgets and grappling hooks. Because of that attitude I only have one grappling hook and only one chance. At this speed if I use the grappling hook to stop my fall it will rip my arms out. Not a good thing, especially because I want to use them to wrap around Mathilda.

One thousand feet. Nine hundred feet. I can make out the cars. Eight hundred feet. Seven hundred feet. I can start to make out people. Six hundred feet. I am above the park. I can see Mathilda standing there! Five hundred feet. Four hundred feet. I aim the grappling hook at the top of a skyscraper. It catches and I start swinging towards the streets. Before the line pulls tight and I lose my arms I let go. Three hundred feet. There is a flagpole I spin around twice to slow my momentum. I am sent spinning towards the ground. Two hundred feet. One hundred feet. I drop past a nice floral window display on a balcony. I grab a bunch of out of season daffodils as I fall. I kick the wall of the skyscraper behind me sending me hurtling over the street. Fifty feet. There is a lamppost there. I grab the top with my one free hand. Spin around twice to slow myself down. Curl one leg around the post and slide down to ground level right next to Mathilda who was looking in the wrong direction to see this dazzling display of aerial acrobatics.

"Ta Da!" I say and hold the bunch of daffodils out to her. I've saved the world from the wrath of Haylee and her nuclear missiles, saved Mathilda from a plane landing on her and saved myself from a fall of thirty thousand feet. I feel pretty good about myself. She slaps me.

"That's for losing my hat!" she says. I look at her hair. To be fair, hiding it with a hat was a good idea. Although it might be that the impromptu motorcycle ride and the jet engines of the jumbo could account for her hair sticking out all over the place and the soot marks on her face. She slaps the other side of my face; well at least they are both the same colour red now. "That's for wrecking my house." She then kisses me. "And that's for the flowers." Great, now she has got soot on my face.

"Thanks, sweetness." I look at my watch. "We've got two minutes to get to the prom." I get on the motorbike. "Get on, babe, we're going."

I roar through the streets weaving through the traffic. The school prom is up ahead. My bike is a Kawasaki ZX9R Ninja. One more slight problem. I had accidentally invited Bethany, another girl, and Phil to the prom with me. How to get out of this with the minimum of pain? I also need to get Bethany with Jake. I can't see Jake. He said he would get me tonight. I can see the queue for the prom and Phil and that girl waiting outside. They haven't seen me yet. I roar round the back of back of the building.

Mathilda taps me on the shoulder. "Why aren't we going in the front?"

I park the bike behind the building, slide off the bike and lift her off it. "We aren't going in the front way because of the photographer there. I'm only thinking of you. We don't really want a picture of you with that hair."

She looks at me with her mouth agape. I pinch her face and waggle her head affectionately. "I'm only thinking of you." I smile at her. "You don't want the only reminder of this evening to be a picture of you looking like you have been dragged through a bush, an oily patch, and a heap of terrible garments, backwards." She looked strangely shocked at this. Women. Can't handle the truth. "I'm only saying that because I like you." I push her through the window of the toilets. There is a splash sound from the other side.

"Where are you going?" I hear her say from the other side.

"I'll be with you shortly, just a minute." I run around to the other side of the building. Saving the world and myself from a fall from a plane without a parachute was the easy bit… Now life was going to get tricky…


	5. Chapter Five Or how to lose three dates...

Robin is owned by DC of course. It was planned for just a one off story but as people seemed to like it I thought I would continue it. I would like to thank Cmar for beta-reading this chapter and the previous few chapters and all the reviewers. All reviews welcome!

**Chapter Five - Robin's advice or how to lose three dates in one night**

I race around the side of the building. I need to get these three people to first of all not see me and second of all get them to dump me in double quick time. I hide behind a hedge. I need to get her attention. I pick up a small pebble and throw it at the head of the girl I somehow got a date with. I don't even know her name? She immediately collapses to the ground. Oops. I knocked her out. Hmm. Possibly the pebble was a little too big. I look at the ground. There is a small piece of gravel here. I throw it at Phil's head. He turns around and waggles his eyebrows at me when he sees me.

He sashays over to me. "Timmy darling." He throws his hands in the air. He tries to grab my face to kiss me.

I duck back and say. "Phil! Listen, I'm sorry about this. I haven't come out yet. My parents don't know about this. My friends don't know about this. I'm not ready to come out of the wardrobe…"

"Closet," he says.

"Closet! Closet! Yes, I'm not ready to do that."

"I can always give you lessons," he purrs.

"No! No! That's fine. We'll give it a miss today!"

"Okay…" He gives me a shrewd look. "Okay. I'll be waiting for you when you are ready to come out. In fact…" He rubs his finger of my chest. "I can always come in the closet with you till you are ready to come out."

"No! NO!" I say rather too loudly. "Thanks Phil. Bye. Bye!"

Phil walks away. I breathe a sigh of relief. Just Bethany to go. There is no-one else I am meant to be meeting here. I walk up to Bethany. There is one approach that always works. Come on too strong. Scare her off. I smile to myself. Stalker approach.

"Bethany!" I open my arms and stand their waiting for her to hug me. "I have missed you so much…" I let her go. "I've written a poem to describe my love for you…" I stand back and strike a heroic pose. To be honest quite easy for me. It is my evening job after all.

"Let the Gods speak softly of us.

For we should not make much of a fuss

We are both of us in deep deep love

We should be flying like a dove

We'll spend an eternity together." I give a dramatic pause and throw my arms open while I try to think of a word that rhymes with together.

"And spend every night encased in leather!" Possibly not the best choice of words. I give myself a contented little smile. If that won't scare her off, nothing will.

She stands there, hands clasped to her bosom and she is sobbing. Sobbing! Good, made her cry. She will be ditching me now. I wait. Any second now. I still wait. Yep here comes the "Let's be friends speech." I try to look heartbroken.

"Timmy, that was the most beautiful poem anyone has ever said to me."

I mentally slap myself. Nope, that didn't work. I head-butt a lamppost. Ouch! Mental note, don't head-butt the lamppost again.

She grabs my arm. "Come on, Timmy. Let's go in to the prom."

Okay, plan B. Total wuss behaviour. "Okay, whatever you want to do."

"Should we line up in this line or the other?" she says, pointing at the lines to go into the prom.

"Whatever one you think is best."

"Okaaaay," she says slowly and looks at me. "What are your interests? You know, just trying to make conversation."

Bingo! "I like painting walls and watching them dry. Did you know all the different stages paint drying goes through? From sodden to tacky to soaked. All the way through to dry." I get a piece of paper out of my pocket. "I've got a few words on it here actually…"

"No. No!" she says. "I think I might have made a mistake here…"

"What do you mean? No, of course you haven't…" I put my hand to my mouth and breathe on it. Then I sniff it. I breathe in her face. "Does my breath smell to you?"

"What, no!"

I start sniffing under my armpit and pull a face. "Do I have a body odour problem?"

"Eeeuuh!"

Jake is just walking up to the prom behind me. "Why don't you try Jake out?"

"Yes I will! Jake! Jake!"

He raises his eyebrows to me and says "Hey!" to her.

Right good. I race round the back of the building to where I left Mathilda. I had pushed her through this toilet window. I cartwheel through the small window to land… Right in the u-bend. Oh well, my shoes needed a cleaning anyway. Now where is Mathilda? There she is! Sitting on the toilet crying. Why is she crying? I'm the one who has had all the hard work to do!

"Mathilda! Sorry about all this," I said.

"Okay… Where have you been?"

"You know, just saving the world. Let's you and me go to the prom." I hold my arm out and she grabs it and pulls me back. "What are you doing?"

"If you think I am going to the prom or anywhere else with you after the way you have treated me…"

"What do you mean the way I have treated you?"

"You wrecked my house."

"Correct."

"You pushed me through a toilet window."

"Also correct. Is this going anywhere?" I look at my watch and sigh.

"And now you think we can just walk into the prom as if nothing had happened?"

"Correct. Come on, let's go…" I open the door and walk straight into the middle of the girls' toilets. There is a chorus of screams and girls running back and forth. Haven't they ever seen a man before? I grab Mathilda and walk through the throng and into the prom. The room is a heaving mass of couples dancing and kissing. I glance at Mathilda and point at the dance floor. "Shall we?"

She smiles at me and takes my arm. At last the night looks like being fun…

**The end**


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